Six Months Later....

My son's father has recently (last week) come into his life. He lives about 200 miles away from us, so I understand that he can't be around all the time. But my son is six months old. It wasn't until I decided to write to Ben's ex that he came down here or even called. He surprised me last week by calling and saying he was on his way. Sure enough, a couple hours later, he was at my door. He has messaged me before saying he was going to come down, so I really didn't believe him until he was here. I'm sorry if this is mushy gushy but hey, we're talking the love of my life here.

Seeing him again was hard. This guy is seriously the love of my life, and I believe I was his. It is hard to see him and not touch him, or anything. It's weird. When we were in high school, we were inseparable. He has always called me his goddess, and he was my Ben Almighty. I know it sounds weird, but hey, it was high school. Over the years, we have been with other people (obviously), but it always seems to come back to him and I. Every time we see each other, we have this instant attraction, bond, whatever. My feelings for him are hard to express, so I wanted to share what I wrote about him when we were together last year before I got pregnant.


I love the way he smiles at me. I love the way he looks at me. Its awesome when he touches me. I love the way his lips feel when we kiss. I love his hands. He has long fingers, they are beautiful. He has gorgeous eyes. I love to sit next to him, to lay next to him, to make love to him. I love the way we make love. His hands in my hair. His face pressed against mine. Hours on end, I want it to go on forever. I love the way he always wants to touch me. My hand, my hair, whatever. I love the way he wants me to sit on his lap. Just being together. We don’t have to talk. No words are appropriate for how this man makes me feel. I felt it nine years ago when we were first together. He is my one, my only I think. He is the one I am supposed to be with. Fate works in mysterious ways. I am so glad that it has finally figured out how to bring us together again. We have been thru a lot, me and this man. Both together and apart. It only makes us stronger people. We have led separate lives for the past six years, but when we are together, it seems as though no time has passed at all. I love that feeling. I know him as no one else ever will. He knows me the same. We are in tune with each others thoughts and feelings. It is absolutely amazing. This man is my dream man. He is perfect in my eyes, although I know he is not without flaws. I just see past them. They are insignificant. As are mine with him. He is almighty Ben and I am his goddess. That is something that will never change. If fate decides to take us on different paths at some point, my feelings for him will not change. They can’t. They are written in stone. I have felt it since the moment I saw him. I knew at some point even then, when we were with other people, that he would be mine someday. I am a firm believer in fate, destiny, and the stars. I don’t know if our lives are predetermined, but if they are, he was hand picked for me. I do not believe in god, but if there were one, he would make us be together for the rest of our lives. I also believe in past lives. I think seriously that we were together in ours. That is something to ponder. Otherwise, how could two people be so perfect for each other, and know each other like we do? It amazes me daily.

The Day No One Wanted

Today we had the Day From Hell. It started out innocent enough, the kids and I had a really good morning. My son laid happily in his crib as I took a shower and then even went back to sleep. My daughter woke right up when I went to get her up at 8:30. It was bright and sunny outside also. Roger had a doctor's appointment this morning at 9:10, so we left the house at 8:45 to get there. At the doctor's office, the receptionist informs me his appointment isn't until next Friday at 9:10. O.K., I thought, no big deal, so I messed up the date. We leave, and outside is starting to get cloudy. Not really a big surprise there, given where we live. Next, since I didn't need to be to work until 11, we went ahead and went to my mom's, where I drop the kids off with my sister who watches them for me. It was still early, so I sat there for a little while, and then at 10 I left so I could change my clothes since the weather totally clouded over and it looked like rain. On my way to my house, I discover I have a voicemail. It is my boss, telling me not to come in today, there is not enough to do and she herself was leaving in just a few hours. So I turned around and went and picked up the kids. Back home, Roger took his first 20 minute nap of the day, and then we went to Walmart. Now, at this point, the day doesn't seem that bad, does it? Well, I have only just begun. At Walmart, I bought Raeann shoes that were badly needed for her Flinstone feet (flat and wide). Roger started to fuss, so we checked out and went to the car. We decided to go to Burger King for lunch, so I called my sisters to see if they wanted to have lunch with us. We waited in the parking lot at Burger King for about 20 minutes for them and when they arrived, we went in directly to the kids' play area to set down Roger and my neice while one sister and I went and ordered. It was there that I discovered my purse was not slung over my shoulder along with the diaper bag. I immediately retraced my steps all the way back out to the van, thinking maybe it fell off my arm (yeah, right). I found it on the floor in the back seat of the van. Of course, where else would it be? I went back in to tell my sisters what happened. The back window of the van was ajar, so I thought maybe I could get out far enough to where we could push my daughter through. That did not work. Then I thought about having a car dealership making me a new key, which is only like ten bucks, compared to what it would be if I had to call a lock smith or a tow truck to unlock it. Burger King just happens to be across the street from a car dealership, so my sister and I walk over there where the guy in the service department tells us he can't make me a key without proof of ownership, which is locked in the damn car. He tells us to go to the parts department and talk to this guy, and that guy said he would send a guy over with a slim jim, but the worker had to give a customer a ride across town first. So I said O.K., because who can argue with free. Well, the guy never came. We did end up eating lunch, and sitting where we could see my van and no one came. So towards the end of our wonderful lunch together, my sisters and I were discussing guys we knew who could maybe get it unlocked for us. Finally, I just called my mom. I mean, what else do you do when you are in trouble, right? The place my mom works for is my landlord, so she brought me an extra key to my house and she was going to let me use her car. I then realized that I couldn't go anywhere because the car seats were in my damn van. When my mom showed up with my key, she actually happened to have a copy of the much needed registration to my car, and since she was a co-signer when I bought it, her name was on it, so she could use her id to get a key. Thank god. We walked back over to the dealership and guy made me a key and then walked back with us to make sure it worked. So you are probably thinking that this has to be the end of the Day From Hell, but no, this part of the ordeal ended at 2:30 in the afternoon. After I got into my van and hugged my purse, we went to Safeway and my daughter had a totally bad attitude the whole time. Telling me I stepped on her hair on purpose (she was riding on the bottom of the cart, and I did not realize she was dragging her hair on the floor as we walked around the store), she was yelling at me, telling me no, and just all-around being a butt. We get out to the parking lot and I was unloading the groceries and an elderly lady came and was waiting to get into her car, which I was blocking. So I was trying to hurry, and Rae wouldn't move and was telling me no, and yelling at me. I was embarrassed and mad, so I told Rae to just get in the car, to which she replied, "No!" I had enough. I spanked her, right there in front of the elderly lady and anyone else who chose to watch this crazy woman with a horrible child. Then the lady got to get into her car, and as she was passing me, she tapped me on the arm and said, "Good job, honey. We need to see more parents disciplining their children." And I thought she was going to berate me for spanking, because most people nowadays don't spank because they think it is "abusing" their children. It is not, and I believe that it is an effective form of punishment. But that is another time, another place. So in conclusion, the elderly lady's comment turned out to be the highlight of my day.

My daughter, the next infomercial hostess....

There is this commercial that talks about a hanging planter that grows tomatoes. Raeann was watching TV the other day and it came on, and she thought it was pretty neat. She had me laughing so hard I was crying. And she just kept going. So here is what she did:
The commercial is a lot like an infomercial, it has this announcer pointing out all the good things about this hanging tomato planter thing. The announcer says "No bending over! No dropped tomatoes! Every tomato is perfect! Your neighbors will be jealous! And best of all, it comes with a free tomato slicer!" Raeann sees all this, and then she looks at me and says, while ticking the items off on her fingers, "Mom! This thing is so cool! It does all this stuff! You don't have to bend over, the tomatoes don't fall, our neighbors will be jealous (I don't think she even knows what exactly jealous means), and we can have perfectly sliced tomatoes on our hangaburgers (hamburgers)! This thing is awesome!" I just started cracking up with laughter, and my poor daughter had no idea what I was laughing at. She says, "Mom what's so funny? Didn't you hear me? I said 'No bending over and we can have perfectly sliced tomatoes on our hangaburgers!'" So this makes me laugh even harder, and then she really got mad. She stalked off to her room mumbling something about the tomato slicer. I could barely breathe I was laughing so hard. This is the stuff I live for.

Bathtime is fun!

Roger is six months old this month, and I am so glad that he is finally starting to like the bath. He actually sat in there for 20 minutes and played with squirty toys without crying. In the past, his baths have had to be 5 minutes because he just screamed the whole time. Also, I am not used to having a boy, so I think I accidentally sat him up too far once and squished his privates. Oops! So sorry! Rae was so excited, she sat in the bathroom with us and helped me with his bath. She played with him while I got pictures of his first good bath. Raeann is such a good big sister. She absolutely adores her baby brother(for now). We'll see how much she adores him as soon as he has full control of his hands. He already pushes her away if he is done playing. It's rather funny. But then again, he loves it when she gets in his face and talks or sings. She makes up cute little songs for him.

I have to say, I thought having two kids would be hard. It's actually slightly easier, as they can keep each other occupied for short chunks of time, like long enough for me to cook dinner. They lay on the floor together and Raeann will take his hands and swing his arms and sing to him. It looks like it would hurt to me, but for some reason Roger thinks this is the most hilarious thing in the world. Everytime I look at them playing together like that, it seriously melts my heart. Out of all the things I have done in my almost 27 years, having my children is the most important. I feel so accomplished everytime they do something new, everytime Raeann says something off the wall, and I like to watch them sleep. I have been truly blessed with both of beautiful babies.

Ugh

I am sick today, and I am bored off my ass. My nose is stuffed up, my mouth feels like a cotton ball is stuck in it, and I keep panting because I can't breathe out of my mouth. I have been at home all day, trying to do some homework that really should get done seeing as how most of it is due Monday. But have I done any? No. And you know what? I don't even care. My brain feels a little fuzzy every time I try to do it. Oh well.

On a brighter note, I have dealt with the Anthony situation. It turned out ok, but he called me earlier to ask if he could keep Rae one more night. I sent her there under the impression that his girlfriend would not be there as she has some weird situation herself with regards to her daughter. Well, tonight she is there, and I don't feel comfortable with that. I have this feeling that Rae is going to freak out when she realizes that his girlfriend is not going home. Mine and Anthony's agreement the other day was that Raeann would not be spending the night there when his girlfriend was there until I have met this girl. I also told him Rae would not be going anywhere with him until he told me his address. That's the thing with him, he thinks that I don't need to know where he lives. He flat out told me it wasn't my business. How the hell is that none of my business? He knows where I live. What would he do if I moved and didn't tell him my address? I tried asking him that but he said it wasn't the same thing. How is that not the same thing? It's exactly the same thing. I swear, he is so stupid sometimes. Then he finally tells me his address, but says he doesn't want me to meet his girlfriend, because, guess what, it's none of my business. I'm sorry, but I don't let my daughter just go off with strangers. Anyway, we agreed that Rae wouldn't spend the night until I have met the girl. And yes, she is a girl, the older Anthony gets, the younger they get. Funny, huh?

Anyway, I just have this feeling something is going to happen. I don't know what, and I can't explain it, but I have been nervous all day. And I'm pissed because Anthony wiggled out of the whole agreement because I am sick and my car can't make the drive to pick her up. He lives an hour and a half away and the reason he wanted to keep Rae again is because he didn't want to make the drive. Well, you know what? Then you shouldn't have moved! He knew how long it was, he knew that it was that far from his work and from Rae, then he shouldn't have moved. Now he wants to work something out to where we meet somewhere. I can barely afford gas to go ten miles per day to work and school. I don't have the money to meet him 45 minutes away twice a week. Plus, him and this girl live in his house that was left to him for only $100 a month. They both make more money than I do, and I don't think it should be up to me to make sure that he picks Raeann up. It's just one more of his ways to get out of shit like he always does. He comes off to other people as this great dad, but he doesn't care about his daughter's feelings. Raeann tries to talk to him, and he just brushes the whole thing off. It really sucks, and I have to deal with it later. Ugh!

So my ex informed me last night that he and his girlfriend with the guy's name have moved in together. He owns his own home that was left to him when his grandfather passed away recently. He kicked the people who were living there out so him and his girl/boyfriend could move in. Along with her daughter, who, thank god, at least has a girl's name. Sorry if I sound a little bitter, I'm not. I'm pissed.

Why does he get to be happy? Why does he get to have someone, and I am lonely as hell, with two kids. One of which no one besides myself really seemed to want in the first place. He cheated on me. Twice. That I know of anyway. He should be miserable. He should never be able to have a girlfriend. This is just not fair. Why does some bitch get to have what should be my life? We should have been a happy family. We both did things wrong, I'm not laying the blame solely on him. I could have paid more attention to him and he wouldn't have gone looking for it elsewhere. We should have talked more to each other instead of to everyone else about our problems. Maybe if we had done those things, we could have worked it out. But I guess what's done is done, and there is nothing I can do to change his mind.

I think I have figured out that I don't miss him exactly, I miss what we had. Let's face it, the man is a jerk. He said mean things, told people private stuff when he was drunk and that was a lot of the time. He was messy, never cleaned up after himself. What's to miss about that? Plus there is the fact that he cheated on me. I just want that life, you know? That family unit that just seems to get farther and farther away with every day that goes by. Who in the hell wants a woman with two kids, one of which is only six months old? No one. Oh well. I can only keep movin on, and raising my babies. Maybe someday something good will come of all this.